One of the most common questions I get from readers is: "How soon long should I wait before having sex with someone new?" (Actually, truth be told, this question comes primarily from women. With few exceptions, for most men the answer to the question "How soon should you have sex?" is "How soon can I get it?")

Obviously, the "right time" between two consenting adults varies with every relationship.

Some people think it's okay to sleep with someone on the first date, others think nothing before marriage is acceptable. My own theory on the right time to do it for the first time falls somewhere in between tramp-o-rama and virgin nun.

If you're just looking for a wild night, and a serious relationship or pesky moral dilemmas aren't in the picture, then by all means, let the shirt buttons go flying.

But, if what you're looking for is a long-term relationship, you should wait to have sex until you're in an exclusive relationship and hold off on doing the deed for at least a month.

No sex for the first month. Yes Really.

Remember the old saying your mother, or grandmother used to repeat, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Well, like it or not, in theory, it still holds true today. Sure the sexual revolution has loosened things up a bit, but as we all know, that old double standard still exists.

Sure, you can either sit there, mentally debating with me about why it's unfair or wrong, or you can just smile and do what works. After all, what's a little delayed gratification when we're talking about the man or woman of your dreams? Whip out the fur-lined handcuffs and edible undies on your honeymoon, if you're so inclined. The third date is not the time.

Okay, now try not to have a heart attack, it's really not that bad. Once you start dating someone exclusively, one more month really isn't that long to wait.

Why wait a month? The answer may surprise you. It has nothing to do with any moral issues, and it's not about playing hard to get. It's about chemistry. Brain chemistry.

The Love Drug!

When women have sex, a chemical called Oxytocin is released in our brains. Scientists refer to it as the "Cuddle Hormone." Why? Because it causes the affected person to get all sorts of mushy, googly, nesting romantic feelings.

So what happens if you have sex too soon? A guy you thought was just so-so yesterday suddenly becomes Mr. Fabulous once you've had sex with him.

Did he stop ending jokes with "get it?", picking his nose or talking incessantly about his mother/pet iguana/job at the post office? No. The difference is sex. Doped up on Oxytocin, it's much more difficult to judge whether or not he's someone we really want to be with through the haze of googly-moogly romantic emotion.

The one-month sex embargo is just an extra measure of certainty, to make sure the guy is really someone you want to be involved with on that level of intimacy. How long you wait is up to you, as long as you wait at least a month.

After the one-month mark, it will be abundantly clear to your man that you do not take this sex thing lightly, and that someone would have to be pretty darn special before you'd consider jumping into bed with him.

And, you will have the opportunity to make your decision using your brain while it is still functioning properly.

Don't worry if you think your guy will leave if you don't have sex with him. After interviewing hundreds of men on the subject, I can tell you that this simply isn't a factor. If he can't wait until you're ready, he certainly won't be hanging around long after the deed is done.

By waiting, you are sending a message to your guy that sex with you is something special, and he will have no choice but to believe you are worth the wait.

Nag. Nag. Nag. Safety first.

I would be remiss if I didn't stress the importance of safe sex. Always, always, always use a condom until you are both:

1) in a long-term, monogamous relationship and also
2) have both been tested and are clean for STDs.

If it freaks you out to buy condoms at the local Kroger with your yogurt and salad-by-the-pound, by all means order yourself a box from one of the many online drugstores. They'll deliver right to your door, and even your postal worker won't suspect a thing.

The different kinds of sexual intimacy. Kissing:
Whether hot and passionate, slow and gentle, dry or wet, quick or long, shallow or deep, kissing is a major source of sensual, sexual pleasure. It is the most acceptable of all premarital sexual activities.

Fondling:
Touch is the most basic of all senses. Physical contact is the most powerful way we communicate intimacy, union, tenderness, love and a myriad of other emotions.

Heavy Petting:
Stimulating one's genitals with the hand is usually considered more intimate than fondling, but not as intimate as sex.

Oral Sex:
Over the past couple of decades, there has been a growing acceptance and popularity of mouth-genital stimulation. Many consider it not as intimate as intercourse, and some mistakenly think that it is a safer sex behavior and opt to engage in it for that reason.

Intercourse:
Intercourse is often considered the ultimate union for couples and is therefore allotted more intimacy than the other behaviors. Attitudes define what you perceive to be the ultimate sexual experience.

Questions for partners.
Another fun way to discover how you and your partner feel about intimacy is for each of you to answer the following questions, discuss your answers and share where you agree or disagree - and why.

For each of the following, ask yourself if you Strongly Agree, Agree, are Neutral, Disagree or Strongly Disagree:

If I'm attracted to somebody, then it's okay to just have commitment-free sex.

Sex should only happen within a marriage.

Sex should only happen in a committed, monogamous relationship.

I need to be in love to have sex.

I'm ready for one life partner.

I would be up for more casual affairs at this point in my life.

It's okay for committed couples to have sex with other people, as long as each knows about it.

It's okay for committed couples to have sex with other people, as long as they don't tell each other about it, to avoid making the other uncomfortable.

Sex is a necessary part of a committed relationship.

I could be happy without sex in a relationship.

I could handle a casual sex-buddy - no feelings, all physical.

I could have a sexual friendship (a friend with benefits) and no strings attached.

I tend to disconnect my sexual actions from my emotions and judgment.

It's important for a partner to have a compatible level of sexual desire.

It's important for my relationship to have a high degree of honesty, equality and respect. Look over your answers. Are you surprised by any of them? Were you unaware of certain attitudes you have? Or your partner has? Clarifying your values and opinions on sexuality-related issues can help you make better, more informed choices about sex.

Dating versus monogamy.
Sometimes people have different ideas of what it means to be monogamous, and it's important to be on the same page so that nobody gets hurt. Communication is vital. Don't speculate: You will never know certain things unless you ask.

Setting boundaries.
As you and your partner sort out your relationship, you should let your partner know your limits as far as sexual involvement. Know that time is on your side. Psychologists have said that it takes six months to see if someone's words are consistent with their actions, before you truly know them and have an understanding of what their context means. Therefore, if you don't want to be surprised by someone's actions, wait until you have both spent enough time together beyond the lust.

When should we have sex?
Sexual intimacy develops at a different rate for each couple. Part of knowing if you're ready is knowing where you stand on your values, attitudes, terms of the relationship and comfort level with sex at a given point. Criteria for good sex involve feelings of intimacy, sexual compatibility, mutual trust, arousal and a mutually positive attitude about the situation. If you've decided that you want to have sex, simply ask if your partner wants to have sex as well - or just explicitly say "Let's have sex" or "I want to have sex."

How do you bring up the subject?
In sharing your bed and body, you need to first get and give honest answers about sexual health and protection and sexual interests. Broach the topic with these open-ended conversation-starter questions:

"Have you ever thought you pushed the relationship too fast when lust set the pace? What happened? How has that affected your views now about sexual intimacy?"

"When do feel it's appropriate to ______________?"

"How do you feel about _____________?"

"At what stage in the relationship do you ________________?"

To further understand your values - and your partner's. Are you both sexually attracted to each other?

Do you have the same values about love, relationships and sex?

What does sex mean to you emotionally? How will having sex affect our relationship?

How do you feel about monogamy, cheating and if you'll be faithful?

Should you get tested for HIV and other sexually transmitted infections?

What kind of birth control will you use?

How would you handle an unintended pregnancy?

How much sex do you like to have?

What types of sex are you into?

Do we have common sexual attitudes that we'd like to explore?

Talking about safer sex.
If you do not have enough trust in a relationship to have a talk about safer sex, then perhaps you should reconsider whether or not you should take things farther. A trusting relationship is one where you feel confident about being yourself and expressing yourself with a partner.